The question this morning on Love Bites:

Hi Francesca My question or comment to you was my wife passed away 6 years ago and I’m interested in getting into a relationship again, but I find myself trying to find that someone who is just like my wife. It’s not practical as you know. Bill

Thank you for your courageous question,Bill.  I’m curious about your comment “it’s not practical”.  Being practical and how you actually feel are entirely different.  While there is no time line for how long it takes to process grief, and it is not  linear, what I am wondering is could you be struggling with opening the door to a new relationship because it was such a traumatic event to lose your wife?  Comparing is often a thin veil to hide behind a way to mask your grief.  Anytime there is potential vulnerability, it’s not uncommon to create emotional distance.

Let’s look at some questions you might want to consider asking yourself such as what qualities are these women missing that your late wife possessed? Just as a side note, people will always disappoint us; it’s human nature so if that is where your focus your lens, you will likely be dissapointed.  Could the avoidance of a new relationship be a fear of abandonment?  If you sense loss, do you flee?  If you leave first and it’s your choice, does that make you think it won’t hurt as much?

What can you do? Look at a new relationship as something entirely different rather than a replacement; there is a chance here to build something new and beautiful.  Starting out as friends and allowing the relationship to evolve organically may feel much safer than getting involved romantically at first.

Remind yourself that you brought much to your last relationship and you will again.  Will your life ever be normal again? The answer is yes, if you let it.  You’ve got this.  Stay with this.  It will happen when you allow it.