Listener wants to know : Is it clinginess or something deeper? I’ve been dating someone for a few months now, and on the surface, everything’s going well. But I’ve started noticing some red flags—clinginess, a constant need for reassurance, and a lingering fear that I won’t call back or might just disappear altogether. It’s made me wonder, could this be more than just insecurity?

The Constant Craving for Connection

Being with someone who has abandonment issues can feel like dealing with a child who never gets enough sugar. Only, instead of sweets, it’s emotional attention they’re after—endless, exhausting, and impossible to fully satisfy.

Here’s the tough reality: you can’t fill that void for them.

So, What Are Abandonment Issues?

At their core, abandonment issues stem from a deep fear of being left. This fear often has roots in childhood experiences—loss, neglect, or emotional unavailability from caregivers.

Ironically, people who fear abandonment the most are often the ones who leave first. Whether consciously or not, they may end relationships prematurely or constantly threaten to walk away. Why? Because being the one to leave feels safer than being left behind.

How It Shows Up in Relationships

• Hypervigilance: They’re extremely sensitive to any shift in tone, timing, or behavior. A delayed text can feel like rejection.
• Emotional Overreactions: Small disagreements may spiral into big emotional outbursts.
• Control via People-Pleasing: At first, they may seem like the ideal partner—attentive, generous, and always agreeable. But this can be a way to “secure” the relationship, making it harder for you to walk away later.
• Chronic dissatisfaction: Over time, they may begin to believe you’re not meeting their needs, no matter how much you give.

When It Becomes a Problem

The dynamic can become especially strained when life demands more of your time and energy:

• Your job ramps up, and they feel neglected.
• You prioritize time with friends or family, and they feel left out.
• An aging parent requires your attention, and they’re no longer at the center.
• If you have a child together, the shift in focus can trigger intense feelings of abandonment.

In each case, the underlying fear isn’t really about you—it’s about losing emotional security.

What Can You Do?

If you recognize these signs in your partner (or even in yourself), awareness is the first step. Here’s what’s important:

• Don’t overcompensate. Being extra attentive might seem like the solution, but it only reinforces the pattern.
• Set healthy boundaries. Your emotional availability is important, but so is your autonomy.
• Encourage healing. Therapy can be incredibly helpful in addressing the root of abandonment fears.

Loving someone with abandonment issues can be challenging—but it’s not impossible. The key is recognizing what’s yours to hold, and what they need to confront on their own. You can support and validate them, but you can’t fix or fill the fear. Ultimately, healing has to come from within.

Love Bites airs every Wednesday at 9:10am on The South Shore’s Morning News. You can text in your own question at 781-837-4900.

Lifestyle coach Francesca Luca is the host of The Francesca Luca Show which airs every Wednesday evening between 8 and 9 on 95.9 WATD.